| So you're thinking about going country? It's | | | | of homeless people.' |
| time to abandon the frenzy of city life, drop | | | | |
| the 'G' from the end of your verbs and trade | | | | You smile and say, "Hi," to strangers only |
| your Gucci for goats. You long to be in a | | | | because you know it screws with their minds. |
| place where business is done on a handshake, | | | | |
| where your backyard is bountiful and where | | | | Your horse board expenses equal the Gross |
| folks welcome you with warm apple pie and a | | | | National Product of Guatemala |
| smile. You want the simple life. | | | | |
| | | | You're convinced you are invisible and need |
| Over 1.6 million people moved to rural | | | | two years of plastic surgery just so city |
| communities during the first five years of | | | | gentlemen won't let the C-Store door spring |
| this decade. Several stayed. This migration | | | | back in your face. |
| continues - reinforced by dozens of national | | | | |
| and regional periodicals presenting sanitized | | | | You pitch a fit when your favorite salad bar |
| 'country chic' to millions of armchair | | | | serves cheese made with non-vegetarian |
| rednecks. Having read a myriad of books and | | | | rennet, then drive the kids to Burgers |
| magazines about goin' county, you are | | | | Burgers Burgers. |
| convinced it is for you. Why not? | | | | |
| | | | Your children spend more time in the TV den |
| Editorials immerse you with prose of serenity | | | | than in treetops and you think that's |
| found. You are infatuated by the ideal of | | | | acceptable. |
| carvin' your own nitch in the wilderness, | | | | |
| collectin' the morning eggs and whittlin' on | | | | You get a building permit and three estimates |
| the porch swing each evening. Throughout the | | | | to hang a painting. |
| country, gentlemen greet women with the tip | | | | |
| of a hat and a polite, "Howdy Mam." You long | | | | Any chimes ringing? If so, remove yourself |
| to raise your children in a community where | | | | form Urbania immediately! Your twig is at |
| graciousness abounds while folks commune with | | | | maximum contortion! Give the country three |
| nature in perfect harmony. With each flip of | | | | years and you will stay. Transition is |
| the page of County Cool Magazine you feel | | | | difficult, but once your up-tight attitude is |
| your stress level dip. | | | | vanquished, your twig unbends. These are the |
| | | | indicators you are settling in to the 'Simple |
| Before you lapse completely into a coma, bear | | | | Life.' |
| a few things in mind. Full-page glossies of | | | | |
| family reunions held beneath towering, | | | | You're having your morning coffee. A cow |
| shabby-chic barns make for better magazine | | | | walks through the front yard. You don't own a |
| copy than centerfolds of locals trying to | | | | cow. You sit down and drink your coffee. |
| avoid making eye contact with your U-Haul. | | | | |
| Stylized black and whites of cowboys branding | | | | Shoes' matching each other is low on the list |
| in the parched mid-day sun sell better than | | | | of daily priorities. |
| snapshots of the Mayor's dead horses being | | | | |
| left to rot all summer long, directly in the | | | | Your outhouse is not just a chic lawn |
| center of town. Furthermore, triumphant tales | | | | ornament. |
| of battling the elements flow better than | | | | |
| ancient country septic lines. No one knows | | | | You save getting the chickens drunk for when |
| why the media doesn't 'glam-up' peeing in | | | | you have houseguests. |
| your barn. It must just be a fickle public. | | | | |
| | | | You have no idea where your cell phone went, |
| Fickle indeed. I for one moved my son from | | | | but the Border Collie is wearing your pager. |
| our life long home in San Diego to my birth | | | | |
| state of South Dakota three times before it | | | | You drive to work past 'that same old herd of |
| stuck. Each time I recoiled in under a year. | | | | buffalo'. |
| Best friends, scores of humanities, the | | | | |
| Pacific surf and Thai food are a lot to give | | | | Your bird feeder expenses are equivalent to |
| up at one time. Harder still was the | | | | the Gross National Product of Canada. |
| shattering of my rose colored glasses. | | | | |
| | | | Elk mounts ordain the walls of your favorite |
| The secret to a successful relocation is | | | | salad bar. |
| knowing what to honestly expect so you can | | | | |
| laugh cathartically when the inevitable | | | | Your children spend more time in the their |
| bizarre scenarios emerge. Sudden | | | | tree house than in school. |
| disillusionment is rarely a knee-slapper. | | | | |
| Nonetheless, once adjusted, country life is | | | | Yes, these are definitely telltale signs, you |
| closer to Nirvana than most get here on | | | | have lost that city pace. Although you can |
| Earth. Thus, while everyone else pumps pure | | | | never voluntarily raise your stress level |
| country sunshine straight up your knickers, I | | | | back to match city slickers, you have not |
| consider it my obligation to provide balance | | | | lost yourself completely. Search the little |
| to the Universe. | | | | places. Vestiges of your past will appear. |
| | | | These are the traits of an American Hybrid. |
| Almost daily I question my reasons for living | | | | |
| in the hinterland. For these moments of | | | | While having your morning cappuccino, a cow |
| apprehension, I maintain lists in my mind. My | | | | walks through the front yard. You don't own a |
| lists remind me both what drove me out of | | | | cow. You toss it a biscotti. |
| California and why I cannot abandon country | | | | |
| life. A hardy dose of big city burn out | | | | You can't decide whether to paint the walls |
| definitely came into play. For starters, I | | | | of the outhouse in a contemporary or |
| realized I was so sick of commuting I'd | | | | impressionistic motif. |
| rather endure seven months per year in an | | | | |
| icebox with no sunlight than sit in another | | | | You use the word motif in the same sentence |
| traffic jam. With that thought alone I was | | | | with outhouse. |
| ready to pull up my roots. I also decided to | | | | |
| move. | | | | You actually make homemade preserves - wild |
| | | | chokecherries with a boisterous zinfandel you |
| In fact, developing a loathing of the Urban | | | | picked up in Napa last season. |
| Jungle was vital to my eventual 'success' in | | | | |
| relocating. In retrospect, my twig was | | | | Mascara before milking. |
| definitely about to snap. Of course, so many | | | | |
| city folk run around with fully bent twigs, | | | | You winter in the gulf of Siam. You summer in |
| we never realize the contorted conditions of | | | | bib overalls. |
| our existence. That many people living in | | | | |
| close proximity, under the confines of | | | | You smile and say, "Hi," to strangers only |
| excessive regulations, is the proverbial | | | | because you know it screws with their minds. |
| pressure cooker. | | | | |
| | | | You could never shoot a deer, but you can |
| Urbanites and recent country converts | | | | dress that sucker out in under two hours. |
| wondering if your view on life may be | | | | |
| intensely contorted are welcome refer to my | | | | You fence in a sarong and thongs. (This one |
| lists. They provide perspective. For example: | | | | gets the neighbors talking.) |
| Signs of how 'screwed-up' you may be would | | | | |
| include the following. | | | | You frequently run to town for Hawaiian Tofu |
| | | | and Goat Chow. |
| You're having your morning coffee, a cow | | | | |
| walks through the front yard. You don't own a | | | | You have a different pair of hiking boots for |
| cow. You freak out, hit 911 and sue the Meat | | | | every occasion. |
| Packers of America. | | | | |
| | | | Egyptian cotton sheets and a commissioned |
| You believe shoes matching your nail polish | | | | replica of Picasso's Woman with Three Breasts |
| is in any way a daily priority. | | | | enclose the baby chickens being reared in |
| | | | your bedroom closet. |
| You don't recognize that it is morally | | | | |
| bankrupt to apply for a permit from a | | | | It's true, every day more and more of us are |
| homeowners association to put out a lawn | | | | getting too screwed up to ever return to the |
| ornament. | | | | city. Still, for all our differences country |
| | | | folk and city slickers posses one |
| You carry more electronic gadgets on your | | | | commonality. Neither group thinks twice about |
| person than Radio Shack inventories. | | | | the US Government's Food Pyramid. I guess we |
| | | | have to start somewhere. |
| You drive to work past 'that same old group | | | | |