| So you're thinking about going country? It's time to | | | | You don't recognize that it is morally bankrupt to apply |
| abandon the frenzy of city life, drop the 'G' from the | | | | for a permit from a homeowners association to put |
| end of your verbs and trade your Gucci for goats. | | | | out a lawn ornament. |
| You long to be in a place where business is done on a | | | | You carry more electronic gadgets on your person |
| handshake, where your backyard is bountiful and | | | | than Radio Shack inventories. |
| where folks welcome you with warm apple pie and a | | | | You drive to work past 'that same old group of |
| smile. You want the simple life. | | | | homeless people.' |
| Over 1.6 million people moved to rural communities | | | | You smile and say, "Hi," to strangers only because you |
| during the first five years of this decade. Several | | | | know it screws with their minds. |
| stayed. This migration continues - reinforced by | | | | Your horse board expenses equal the Gross National |
| dozens of national and regional periodicals presenting | | | | Product of Guatemala |
| sanitized 'country chic' to millions of armchair rednecks. | | | | You're convinced you are invisible and need two years |
| Having read a myriad of books and magazines about | | | | of plastic surgery just so city gentlemen won't let the |
| goin' county, you are convinced it is for you. Why not? | | | | C-Store door spring back in your face. |
| Editorials immerse you with prose of serenity found. | | | | You pitch a fit when your favorite salad bar serves |
| You are infatuated by the ideal of carvin' your own | | | | cheese made with non-vegetarian rennet, then drive |
| nitch in the wilderness, collectin' the morning eggs and | | | | the kids to Burgers Burgers Burgers. |
| whittlin' on the porch swing each evening. Throughout | | | | Your children spend more time in the TV den than in |
| the country, gentlemen greet women with the tip of a | | | | treetops and you think that's acceptable. |
| hat and a polite, "Howdy Mam." You long to raise your | | | | You get a building permit and three estimates to hang |
| children in a community where graciousness abounds | | | | a painting. |
| while folks commune with nature in perfect harmony. | | | | Any chimes ringing? If so, remove yourself form |
| With each flip of the page of County Cool Magazine | | | | Urbania immediately! Your twig is at maximum |
| you feel your stress level dip. | | | | contortion! Give the country three years and you will |
| Before you lapse completely into a coma, bear a few | | | | stay. Transition is difficult, but once your up-tight attitude |
| things in mind. Full-page glossies of family reunions held | | | | is vanquished, your twig unbends. These are the |
| beneath towering, shabby-chic barns make for better | | | | indicators you are settling in to the 'Simple Life.' |
| magazine copy than centerfolds of locals trying to | | | | You're having your morning coffee. A cow walks |
| avoid making eye contact with your U-Haul. Stylized | | | | through the front yard. You don't own a cow. You sit |
| black and whites of cowboys branding in the parched | | | | down and drink your coffee. |
| mid-day sun sell better than snapshots of the Mayor's | | | | Shoes' matching each other is low on the list of daily |
| dead horses being left to rot all summer long, directly in | | | | priorities. |
| the center of town. Furthermore, triumphant tales of | | | | Your outhouse is not just a chic lawn ornament. |
| battling the elements flow better than ancient country | | | | You save getting the chickens drunk for when you |
| septic lines. No one knows why the media doesn't | | | | have houseguests. |
| 'glam-up' peeing in your barn. It must just be a fickle | | | | You have no idea where your cell phone went, but the |
| public. | | | | Border Collie is wearing your pager. |
| Fickle indeed. I for one moved my son from our life | | | | You drive to work past 'that same old herd of buffalo'. |
| long home in San Diego to my birth state of South | | | | Your bird feeder expenses are equivalent to the |
| Dakota three times before it stuck. Each time I recoiled | | | | Gross National Product of Canada. |
| in under a year. Best friends, scores of humanities, the | | | | Elk mounts ordain the walls of your favorite salad bar. |
| Pacific surf and Thai food are a lot to give up at one | | | | Your children spend more time in the their tree house |
| time. Harder still was the shattering of my rose colored | | | | than in school. |
| glasses. | | | | Yes, these are definitely telltale signs, you have lost |
| The secret to a successful relocation is knowing what | | | | that city pace. Although you can never voluntarily raise |
| to honestly expect so you can laugh cathartically | | | | your stress level back to match city slickers, you have |
| when the inevitable bizarre scenarios emerge. Sudden | | | | not lost yourself completely. Search the little places. |
| disillusionment is rarely a knee-slapper. Nonetheless, | | | | Vestiges of your past will appear. These are the traits |
| once adjusted, country life is closer to Nirvana than | | | | of an American Hybrid. |
| most get here on Earth. Thus, while everyone else | | | | While having your morning cappuccino, a cow walks |
| pumps pure country sunshine straight up your knickers, | | | | through the front yard. You don't own a cow. You |
| I consider it my obligation to provide balance to the | | | | toss it a biscotti. |
| Universe. | | | | You can't decide whether to paint the walls of the |
| Almost daily I question my reasons for living in the | | | | outhouse in a contemporary or impressionistic motif. |
| hinterland. For these moments of apprehension, I | | | | You use the word motif in the same sentence with |
| maintain lists in my mind. My lists remind me both what | | | | outhouse. |
| drove me out of California and why I cannot abandon | | | | You actually make homemade preserves - wild |
| country life. A hardy dose of big city burn out definitely | | | | chokecherries with a boisterous zinfandel you picked |
| came into play. For starters, I realized I was so sick of | | | | up in Napa last season. |
| commuting I'd rather endure seven months per year in | | | | Mascara before milking. |
| an icebox with no sunlight than sit in another traffic jam. | | | | You winter in the gulf of Siam. You summer in bib |
| With that thought alone I was ready to pull up my | | | | overalls. |
| roots. I also decided to move. | | | | You smile and say, "Hi," to strangers only because you |
| In fact, developing a loathing of the Urban Jungle was | | | | know it screws with their minds. |
| vital to my eventual 'success' in relocating. In retrospect, | | | | You could never shoot a deer, but you can dress that |
| my twig was definitely about to snap. Of course, so | | | | sucker out in under two hours. |
| many city folk run around with fully bent twigs, we | | | | You fence in a sarong and thongs. (This one gets the |
| never realize the contorted conditions of our existence. | | | | neighbors talking.) |
| That many people living in close proximity, under the | | | | You frequently run to town for Hawaiian Tofu and |
| confines of excessive regulations, is the proverbial | | | | Goat Chow. |
| pressure cooker. | | | | You have a different pair of hiking boots for every |
| Urbanites and recent country converts wondering if | | | | occasion. |
| your view on life may be intensely contorted are | | | | Egyptian cotton sheets and a commissioned replica of |
| welcome refer to my lists. They provide perspective. | | | | Picasso's Woman with Three Breasts enclose the |
| For example: Signs of how 'screwed-up' you may be | | | | baby chickens being reared in your bedroom closet. |
| would include the following. | | | | It's true, every day more and more of us are getting |
| You're having your morning coffee, a cow walks | | | | too screwed up to ever return to the city. Still, for all |
| through the front yard. You don't own a cow. You | | | | our differences country folk and city slickers posses |
| freak out, hit 911 and sue the Meat Packers of | | | | one commonality. Neither group thinks twice about the |
| America. | | | | US Government's Food Pyramid. I guess we have to |
| You believe shoes matching your nail polish is in any | | | | start somewhere. |
| way a daily priority. | | | | |