| So you're thinking about going country?
| |
| | You believe shoes matching your nail
|
| It's time to abandon the frenzy of city
| |
| | polish is in any way a daily priority.
|
| life, drop the 'G' from the end of your
| |
| | You don't recognize that it is morally
|
| verbs and trade your Gucci for goats. You
| |
| | bankrupt to apply for a permit from a
|
| long to be in a place where business is
| |
| | homeowners association to put out a lawn
|
| done on a handshake, where your backyard
| |
| | ornament.
|
| is bountiful and where folks welcome you
| |
| | You carry more electronic gadgets on your
|
| with warm apple pie and a smile. You want
| |
| | person than Radio Shack inventories.
|
| the simple life.
| |
| | You drive to work past 'that same old
|
| Over 1.6 million people moved to rural
| |
| | group of homeless people.'
|
| communities during the first five years
| |
| | You smile and say, "Hi," to strangers
|
| of this decade. Several stayed. This
| |
| | only because you know it screws with
|
| migration continues - reinforced by
| |
| | their minds.
|
| dozens of national and regional
| |
| | Your horse board expenses equal the Gross
|
| periodicals presenting sanitized 'country
| |
| | National Product of Guatemala
|
| chic' to millions of armchair rednecks.
| |
| | You're convinced you are invisible and
|
| Having read a myriad of books and
| |
| | need two years of plastic surgery just so
|
| magazines about goin' county, you are
| |
| | city gentlemen won't let the C-Store door
|
| convinced it is for you. Why not?
| |
| | spring back in your face.
|
| Editorials immerse you with prose of
| |
| | You pitch a fit when your favorite salad
|
| serenity found. You are infatuated by the
| |
| | bar serves cheese made with
|
| ideal of carvin' your own nitch in the
| |
| | non-vegetarian rennet, then drive the
|
| wilderness, collectin' the morning eggs
| |
| | kids to Burgers Burgers Burgers.
|
| and whittlin' on the porch swing each
| |
| | Your children spend more time in the TV
|
| evening. Throughout the country,
| |
| | den than in treetops and you think that's
|
| gentlemen greet women with the tip of a
| |
| | acceptable.
|
| hat and a polite, "Howdy Mam." You long
| |
| | You get a building permit and three
|
| to raise your children in a community
| |
| | estimates to hang a painting.
|
| where graciousness abounds while folks
| |
| | Any chimes ringing? If so, remove
|
| commune with nature in perfect harmony.
| |
| | yourself form Urbania immediately! Your
|
| With each flip of the page of County Cool
| |
| | twig is at maximum contortion! Give the
|
| Magazine you feel your stress level dip.
| |
| | country three years and you will stay.
|
| Before you lapse completely into a coma,
| |
| | Transition is difficult, but once your
|
| bear a few things in mind. Full-page
| |
| | up-tight attitude is vanquished, your
|
| glossies of family reunions held beneath
| |
| | twig unbends. These are the indicators
|
| towering, shabby-chic barns make for
| |
| | you are settling in to the 'Simple Life.'
|
| better magazine copy than centerfolds of
| |
| | You're having your morning coffee. A cow
|
| locals trying to avoid making eye contact
| |
| | walks through the front yard. You don't
|
| with your U-Haul. Stylized black and
| |
| | own a cow. You sit down and drink your
|
| whites of cowboys branding in the parched
| |
| | coffee.
|
| mid-day sun sell better than snapshots of
| |
| | Shoes' matching each other is low on the
|
| the Mayor's dead horses being left to rot
| |
| | list of daily priorities.
|
| all summer long, directly in the center
| |
| | Your outhouse is not just a chic lawn
|
| of town. Furthermore, triumphant tales of
| |
| | ornament.
|
| battling the elements flow better than
| |
| | You save getting the chickens drunk for
|
| ancient country septic lines. No one
| |
| | when you have houseguests.
|
| knows why the media doesn't 'glam-up'
| |
| | You have no idea where your cell phone
|
| peeing in your barn. It must just be a
| |
| | went, but the Border Collie is wearing
|
| fickle public.
| |
| | your pager.
|
| Fickle indeed. I for one moved my son
| |
| | You drive to work past 'that same old
|
| from our life long home in San Diego to
| |
| | herd of buffalo'.
|
| my birth state of South Dakota three
| |
| | Your bird feeder expenses are equivalent
|
| times before it stuck. Each time I
| |
| | to the Gross National Product of Canada.
|
| recoiled in under a year. Best friends,
| |
| | Elk mounts ordain the walls of your
|
| scores of humanities, the Pacific surf
| |
| | favorite salad bar.
|
| and Thai food are a lot to give up at one
| |
| | Your children spend more time in the
|
| time. Harder still was the shattering of
| |
| | their tree house than in school.
|
| my rose colored glasses.
| |
| | Yes, these are definitely telltale signs,
|
| The secret to a successful relocation is
| |
| | you have lost that city pace. Although
|
| knowing what to honestly expect so you
| |
| | you can never voluntarily raise your
|
| can laugh cathartically when the
| |
| | stress level back to match city slickers,
|
| inevitable bizarre scenarios emerge.
| |
| | you have not lost yourself completely.
|
| Sudden disillusionment is rarely a
| |
| | Search the little places. Vestiges of
|
| knee-slapper. Nonetheless, once adjusted,
| |
| | your past will appear. These are the
|
| country life is closer to Nirvana than
| |
| | traits of an American Hybrid.
|
| most get here on Earth. Thus, while
| |
| | While having your morning cappuccino, a
|
| everyone else pumps pure country sunshine
| |
| | cow walks through the front yard. You
|
| straight up your knickers, I consider it
| |
| | don't own a cow. You toss it a biscotti.
|
| my obligation to provide balance to the
| |
| | You can't decide whether to paint the
|
| Universe.
| |
| | walls of the outhouse in a contemporary
|
| Almost daily I question my reasons for
| |
| | or impressionistic motif.
|
| living in the hinterland. For these
| |
| | You use the word motif in the same
|
| moments of apprehension, I maintain lists
| |
| | sentence with outhouse.
|
| in my mind. My lists remind me both what
| |
| | You actually make homemade preserves -
|
| drove me out of California and why I
| |
| | wild chokecherries with a boisterous
|
| cannot abandon country life. A hardy dose
| |
| | zinfandel you picked up in Napa last
|
| of big city burn out definitely came into
| |
| | season.
|
| play. For starters, I realized I was so
| |
| | Mascara before milking.
|
| sick of commuting I'd rather endure seven
| |
| | You winter in the gulf of Siam. You
|
| months per year in an icebox with no
| |
| | summer in bib overalls.
|
| sunlight than sit in another traffic jam.
| |
| | You smile and say, "Hi," to strangers
|
| With that thought alone I was ready to
| |
| | only because you know it screws with
|
| pull up my roots. I also decided to move.
| |
| | their minds.
|
| In fact, developing a loathing of the
| |
| | You could never shoot a deer, but you can
|
| Urban Jungle was vital to my eventual
| |
| | dress that sucker out in under two hours.
|
| 'success' in relocating. In retrospect,
| |
| | You fence in a sarong and thongs. (This
|
| my twig was definitely about to snap. Of
| |
| | one gets the neighbors talking.)
|
| course, so many city folk run around with
| |
| | You frequently run to town for Hawaiian
|
| fully bent twigs, we never realize the
| |
| | Tofu and Goat Chow.
|
| contorted conditions of our existence.
| |
| | You have a different pair of hiking boots
|
| That many people living in close
| |
| | for every occasion.
|
| proximity, under the confines of
| |
| | Egyptian cotton sheets and a commissioned
|
| excessive regulations, is the proverbial
| |
| | replica of Picasso's Woman with Three
|
| pressure cooker.
| |
| | Breasts enclose the baby chickens being
|
| Urbanites and recent country converts
| |
| | reared in your bedroom closet.
|
| wondering if your view on life may be
| |
| | It's true, every day more and more of us
|
| intensely contorted are welcome refer to
| |
| | are getting too screwed up to ever return
|
| my lists. They provide perspective. For
| |
| | to the city. Still, for all our
|
| example: Signs of how 'screwed-up' you
| |
| | differences country folk and city
|
| may be would include the following.
| |
| | slickers posses one commonality. Neither
|
| You're having your morning coffee, a cow
| |
| | group thinks twice about the US
|
| walks through the front yard. You don't
| |
| | Government's Food Pyramid. I guess we
|
| own a cow. You freak out, hit 911 and sue
| |
| | have to start somewhere.
|
| the Meat Packers of America.
| |
| |
|
