Welcome to Rainbow City Alabama


Rural Relocation - Considerations and Adjustments

So you're thinking about going country? It'sof  homeless  people.'
time to abandon the frenzy of city life, drop
the 'G' from the end of your verbs and tradeYou smile and say, "Hi," to strangers only
your Gucci for goats. You long to be in abecause  you know it screws with their minds.
place where business is done on a handshake,
where your backyard is bountiful and whereYour horse board expenses equal the Gross
folks welcome you with warm apple pie and aNational  Product  of  Guatemala
smile.  You  want  the  simple  life.
You're convinced you are invisible and need
Over 1.6 million people moved to ruraltwo years of plastic surgery just so city
communities during the first five years ofgentlemen won't let the C-Store door spring
this decade. Several stayed. This migrationback  in  your  face.
continues - reinforced by dozens of national
and regional periodicals presenting sanitizedYou pitch a fit when your favorite salad bar
'country chic' to millions of armchairserves cheese made with non-vegetarian
rednecks. Having read a myriad of books andrennet, then drive the kids to Burgers
magazines about goin' county, you areBurgers  Burgers.
convinced  it  is  for  you.  Why  not?
Your children spend more time in the TV den
Editorials immerse you with prose of serenitythan in treetops and you think that's
found. You are infatuated by the ideal ofacceptable.
carvin' your own nitch in the wilderness,
collectin' the morning eggs and whittlin' onYou get a building permit and three estimates
the porch swing each evening. Throughout theto  hang  a  painting.
country, gentlemen greet women with the tip
of a hat and a polite, "Howdy Mam." You longAny chimes ringing? If so, remove yourself
to raise your children in a community whereform Urbania immediately! Your twig is at
graciousness abounds while folks commune withmaximum contortion! Give the country three
nature in perfect harmony. With each flip ofyears and you will stay. Transition is
the page of County Cool Magazine you feeldifficult, but once your up-tight attitude is
your  stress  level  dip.vanquished, your twig unbends. These are the
indicators you are settling in to the 'Simple
Before you lapse completely into a coma, bearLife.'
a few things in mind. Full-page glossies of
family reunions held beneath towering,You're having your morning coffee. A cow
shabby-chic barns make for better magazinewalks through the front yard. You don't own a
copy than centerfolds of locals trying tocow.  You  sit  down  and  drink your coffee.
avoid making eye contact with your U-Haul.
Stylized black and whites of cowboys brandingShoes' matching each other is low on the list
in the parched mid-day sun sell better thanof  daily  priorities.
snapshots of the Mayor's dead horses being
left to rot all summer long, directly in theYour outhouse is not just a chic lawn
center of town. Furthermore, triumphant talesornament.
of battling the elements flow better than
ancient country septic lines. No one knowsYou save getting the chickens drunk for when
why the media doesn't 'glam-up' peeing inyou  have  houseguests.
your  barn.  It must just be a fickle public.
You have no idea where your cell phone went,
Fickle indeed. I for one moved my son frombut  the Border Collie is wearing your pager.
our life long home in San Diego to my birth
state of South Dakota three times before itYou drive to work past 'that same old herd of
stuck. Each time I recoiled in under a year.buffalo'.
Best friends, scores of humanities, the
Pacific surf and Thai food are a lot to giveYour bird feeder expenses are equivalent to
up at one time. Harder still was thethe  Gross  National  Product  of  Canada.
shattering  of  my  rose  colored  glasses.
Elk mounts ordain the walls of your favorite
The secret to a successful relocation issalad  bar.
knowing what to honestly expect so you can
laugh cathartically when the inevitableYour children spend more time in the their
bizarre scenarios emerge. Suddentree  house  than  in  school.
disillusionment is rarely a knee-slapper.
Nonetheless, once adjusted, country life isYes, these are definitely telltale signs, you
closer to Nirvana than most get here onhave lost that city pace. Although you can
Earth. Thus, while everyone else pumps purenever voluntarily raise your stress level
country sunshine straight up your knickers, Iback to match city slickers, you have not
consider it my obligation to provide balancelost yourself completely. Search the little
to  the  Universe.places. Vestiges of your past will appear.
These  are  the traits of an American Hybrid.
Almost daily I question my reasons for living
in the hinterland. For these moments ofWhile having your morning cappuccino, a cow
apprehension, I maintain lists in my mind. Mywalks through the front yard. You don't own a
lists remind me both what drove me out ofcow.  You  toss  it  a  biscotti.
California and why I cannot abandon country
life. A hardy dose of big city burn outYou can't decide whether to paint the walls
definitely came into play. For starters, Iof the outhouse in a contemporary or
realized I was so sick of commuting I'dimpressionistic  motif.
rather endure seven months per year in an
icebox with no sunlight than sit in anotherYou use the word motif in the same sentence
traffic jam. With that thought alone I waswith  outhouse.
ready to pull up my roots. I also decided to
move.You actually make homemade preserves - wild
chokecherries with a boisterous zinfandel you
In fact, developing a loathing of the Urbanpicked  up  in  Napa  last  season.
Jungle was vital to my eventual 'success' in
relocating. In retrospect, my twig wasMascara  before  milking.
definitely about to snap. Of course, so many
city folk run around with fully bent twigs,You winter in the gulf of Siam. You summer in
we never realize the contorted conditions ofbib  overalls.
our existence. That many people living in
close proximity, under the confines ofYou smile and say, "Hi," to strangers only
excessive regulations, is the proverbialbecause  you know it screws with their minds.
pressure  cooker.
You could never shoot a deer, but you can
Urbanites and recent country convertsdress  that  sucker  out  in under two hours.
wondering if your view on life may be
intensely contorted are welcome refer to myYou fence in a sarong and thongs. (This one
lists. They provide perspective. For example:gets  the  neighbors  talking.)
Signs of how 'screwed-up' you may be would
include  the  following.You frequently run to town for Hawaiian Tofu
and  Goat  Chow.
You're having your morning coffee, a cow
walks through the front yard. You don't own aYou have a different pair of hiking boots for
cow. You freak out, hit 911 and sue the Meatevery  occasion.
Packers  of  America.
Egyptian cotton sheets and a commissioned
You believe shoes matching your nail polishreplica of Picasso's Woman with Three Breasts
is  in  any  way  a  daily  priority.enclose the baby chickens being reared in
your  bedroom  closet.
You don't recognize that it is morally
bankrupt to apply for a permit from aIt's true, every day more and more of us are
homeowners association to put out a lawngetting too screwed up to ever return to the
ornament.city. Still, for all our differences country
folk and city slickers posses one
You carry more electronic gadgets on yourcommonality. Neither group thinks twice about
person  than  Radio  Shack  inventories.the US Government's Food Pyramid. I guess we
have to start somewhere.
You drive to work past 'that same old group



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