| Like many people in today's hectic world, I've been | | | | you go this route.Listen to soothing music: |
| blessed with recurring insomnia. For most, this condition | | | | Again, this is a great idea in theory -- but one person's |
| would be a liability; as a writer, it's actually quite useful. I | | | | 'soothing' is another person's... well, Hootie and the |
| pen more gibberish after three am than most people | | | | Blowfish, for instance. Sure, their music is soft and lilting, |
| do... well, ever, to be fair.But eventually, all good | | | | but 'easy listening', my sleep-deprived ass. My ears |
| sleepless nights must come to an end. So I've tried a | | | | would find steel-wool Q-tips more 'soothing' than that |
| few ways to bring on the snoozes, when counting | | | | audiodrivel. Luckily, any music can soothe the insomnial |
| sheep just won't do. Feel free to use any or all of the | | | | beast, so long as it's played softly enough. Sometimes, |
| techniques below -- just make sure you're really ready | | | | Rage Against the Machine at three-and-a-half decibels |
| to hit the sack. This is powerful medicine; proceed with | | | | -- or Nine Inch Nails, at a volume only dogs can hear -- |
| caution.Drink a glass of warm milk: | | | | is just what the sleep doctor ordered.Exercise: |
| Generally, this doesn't work, of course. It seems to be | | | | Frankly, I've only tried this method once. I get the idea |
| some sort of old wives' tale. What old wives have | | | | -- the physical activity, late at night, should sap |
| against the rest of us enjoying a night's rest, I don't | | | | whatever energy your body has remaining, and let you |
| know, but drinking a full glass of lukewarm moo juice | | | | slip sweetly off to dreamland. Fine. But remember, your |
| will leave you bleary-eyed and milkstached, but not | | | | hand-eye coordination and reflexes won't be up to par, |
| particularly drowsy. Still, you've got to start | | | | after staying awake for hours past your bedtime. And |
| somewhere. And you can always graduate to a nice, | | | | it can be rather embarrassing to explain to the |
| warm glass of milk and coconut rum -- hold the milk. | | | | ambulance crew how you backhanded yourself down |
| That'll put you to sleep, but you'd better be sure to | | | | a flight of stairs, doing jumping jacks at four in the |
| cancel those morning meetings the next day.Read a | | | | morning. EMTs can be so cruel sometimes.Watch |
| book: | | | | LifeTime: |
| This is great, if you happen to have 'The Bridges of | | | | No, really. Anything on LifeTime. The Oxygen network |
| Madison County' lying around, or you keep 'Principles of | | | | works, too. Or the Golf Channel. Or any shopping |
| Organic Chemistry' on your nightstand. It's somewhat | | | | network -- unless you're one of those people with a |
| less effective if the closest book handy is 'The | | | | shopping problem, of course. You're not doing anyone |
| Amityville Horror', or an audiobook from the Steven | | | | any good, lying there on the couch for three hours |
| King 'Rabid Machete Zombies' collection. Instead of | | | | ordering commemorative Jackson trial dinner plates. |
| sleeping, you might spend the night hiding under the | | | | But short of that, this is clearly the way to go. There |
| covers, hoping that the creaking outside your window | | | | are hundreds of channels out there; surely, you can |
| is just the wind. Of course, those of us who are truly | | | | find one that'll put you to sleep. You call them 'DirecTV', |
| proficient with insomnia don't have to worry so much -- | | | | but I'm calling them 'Sandman'. Don't let the bed bugs |
| we're not going to bed until after dawn, anyway, so | | | | bite!Charlie Hatton is an overzealous blogger and |
| there's no 'dark' for bogeymen to go 'bump' in. Still, it's | | | | aspiring standup comedian offering smart, sophisticated |
| not such a good idea to seed your dreams with the | | | | humor about life, language, and the size of his naughty |
| horrific imagery that today's writers can dream up. | | | | bits. He writes semi-daily and mostly randomly at |
| There's sleeping, and then there's 'unconscious night | | | | Where the Hell Was I? |
| sweating'. Stick to the textbooks and tearjerkers, if | | | | |