The Joys of Being Healthy

It is amazing to be able to say I am a whole, happy,the historic Mission Dolores. The worst storm of the
healthy, loving woman. I was sick for the first 40 yearsseason was on its way and my roof was leaking
of my life. Like millions of other human beings I grew upprofusely. I was in dire straits financially, having been
immersed in the family disease of alcoholism. Fornewly divorced. I was preparing to fix it myself.
generations it has plagued my family. The unbalancedUnfortunately my ladder wasnt tall enough. I needed
life I led is so common in our society; I didnt knowhelp. None of the folks I knew were home that
anything was wrong. I was a participant in the chaos,Saturday morning but I noticed an open door directly
confusion, neuroses, pain and suffering which isacross from my house. I hurried upstairs to the second
present in dysfunctional families. I call it The Dance ofstory flat in the azure painted duplex and walked
Death.I grew up in St. Louis, Missouri in the communitydown the long corridor to the living room. There on the
of Clayton. The only memories I have of my fathersofa was a guy watching the football game on T.V. I
are when he would beat my brother and me with hisintroduced myself and then proceeded to ask for his
belt so severely my clothes would cling to the bloodyassistance. He looked at me like I was nuts. The
strap marks on my legs. He would make us wait forsilence was deafening. How often does a stranger
our punishment in our room before he dealt the uglyenter your apartment with a request for help with a
blows. My mother closed her eyes to what wasmajor repair? I was flushed with embarrassment but
happening. Both of them partied on weekends where Iwas in too deep to recover. Fortunately he agreed to
would find empty highball glasses scattered all over thehelp me.This uncommon beginning signaled the magic
living room. I had holes in th e soles of my shoes whilethat lay before us. The sparks flew. We went on our
my mother would model a new diamond cocktail ring,first date within days of this meeting. Bryans car was
winnings from a weekly poker game. My dad wasbroken so we took the bus across the city to an
also a compulsive gambler. He died at the age of 45authentic Moroccan restaurant where we sat on
when I was nine years old.My mother attractedpaisley cushions and ate with our fingers. I remember
another alcoholic to her life soon after my fathersclearly how primitive this felt and how natural it was to
death. They had a symbiotic, codependent andbe with him. He didnt seem the least bit concerned
addictive relationship. Every ten days they wouldabout my age. I, on the other hand, was more sensitive.
consume a case of scotch which was delivered toI was still healing from the codependent relationship of
our apartment from the local liquor store. My mother12 years and had never experienced true intimacy. I
never appeared drunk but she was distant, selfish andwasnt sure it was the proper thing to do but I couldnt
narcissistic. My step fathers disease had progressedhelp myself; I was falling in love. I was scared because
to the point he was visibly inebriated most evenings.these feelings were coming so quickly.Bryan moved in
His attitude was condescending, nasty and selfwith me within weeks of our first meeting. I remember
righteous. He was verbally abusive and drove his carthinking if it didnt work out it would be easy to ask him
while intoxicated on many occasions. When I thinkto leave because all he owned was a T.V. For
back to that period of my history I remember keepingValentines Day he created a hanging wire mobile in the
my personal life secret!!! I was ashamed of theirshape of intertwined hearts and presented it to me
behavior. I pretended all was well and I beganwith flowers and chocolate. This type of thoughtful
developing neurotic habits for self preservation.In mygesture is typical of Bryan. He has never missed a
teens I danced several days after school, participatedspecial occasion and has often surprised me with
in theater groups, worked in a department store andjewelry when he returns from a business trip.One
had creative life in my head. I imagined the way Ievening in the spring we were waiting to board a
wanted my world to be and was in denial as to thedinner train in Mendocino. A drunken man approached
truth in front of me. I became obsessive, compulsiveus and said, How come you two are dressed up? Are
and an over achiever. Because I worked so hard Iyou getting married? Bryan looked at me and said,
accomplished a lot for a young girl but the reality wasYes, we are arent we? That was his proposal. It was
it was inspired by fear, insecurity and a need fordecided we would plan a wedding for later that year.
control.In college I devoted myself to art and earned aBut, first I needed to meet Bryans mother.Just the
B.S. in Education and a M.A. in Painting and Ceramicsthought of it terrified me! Bryan and his mother, Sharon,
from the University of Missouri. I was hired as a collegehave a rare bond. He insisted he would not tell anyone
instructor soon after graduate school. I felt happy for aabout our engagement until she and I met. We drove
time because I was away from home and involved into southern California where Sharon was visiting her
teaching. I took my job very seriously but the lonelinesssister, Bryans aunt. I felt sick the entire trip. I knew in
I felt when I was by myself was debilitating.I longed foradvance he was going to take his mother shopping
love . . . any kind. I didnt realize it at the time but I hadthe next morning alone to break the news to her. I
never felt affection. I became preoccupied withcouldnt sleep at all that night. What felt so right to
thoughts of men. I had guys on my mind constantly! IBryan and me was unusual, especially in the eyes of a
was popular and had many choices but I picked theparent. When they returned from their excursion
ones who I thought needed me. Most often they wereSharon looked like she had just come from a funeral.
from dysfunctional families. I dated a lot of drunksFortunately, for me, Aunt Toby accepted the situation
during my 20s. It felt familiar. In spite of my success asand eased the tension by giving me a white angel
an artist and a teacher, I had low self esteem and Iornament. His mother is a wonderful woman. In spite of
knew something was wrong with me.In l969 I began aher disappointment, she welcomed me into their family.
new life in another city. Within a week of moving toOver the years our relationship has evolved into a
Boston, Massachusetts, I was brutally raped andunique friendship, a cross between a peer and a
hospitalized. I never received help with this trauma andsister.December 7, 1986, dressed in an ivory colored
didnt properly grieve until years later. I pushed downVictorian gown, I was driven to our wedding in a horse
the pain and was then, more than ever, resolved todrawn carriage. I remember the sensation well. As I
create the perfect life for myself, (as if it were in myheard the clip-pity clop of the hoofs hitting the
hands?)This was made easy for me when Joeypavement I felt it was the happiest day of my life. The
Haudel entered my life. He filled the position of myride was several miles long and I enjoyed cars honking
Knight in Shining Armour, albeit, distorted. He wasloudly at every turn. When we arrived at the elegant
young, handsome, and alcoholic and had just beenAlamo Square Inn Bryan was waiting to escort me
released from prison. We needed each other likeinside to the nuptials. It was a good thing he took my
ducks need water. We bonded in a codependenthand, for as I exited the carriage, my knees collapsed
relationship that lasted 12 years.Our experiencesfrom shaking so hard. The day was spectacular
together were astounding. What I learned aboutmarking a lifetime of love.Both Bryan and I had always
myself was profound. Our journey is almostwanted kids. By the time we met my biological clock
unbelievable. I have told this story in a dramatichad run out. He told me he would rather marry a
narrative, I Survived: One Womans Journey of Selfwoman he loved deeply than to wait for someone to
Healing and Transformation on DVD. It is filled with thebear his children. For several years we were content
dark world of illness and moves to the light of wellness.to be a unit of two. After my dear Aunt Letha died in
I reached my bottom after years of suffering. I was1992 I longed for a child. Bryan agreed to adoption. It
contemplating suicide but was saved by the Grace ofwas an arduous experience requiring patience and
God and the dear voice of a telephone operator whoresilience. We had several birthmothers who changed
kept me on the phone for over an hour.I spent years intheir minds for different reasons. This process took
recovery; beginning with Al-Anon meetings in 1973,three years and a great deal of money. Ultimately we
several series of Adult Children of Alcoholic Therapywere blessed with a baby girl we named Mariah. Our
Sessions, individual therapy with numerous therapistsdaughter is now 8 years old and the light of our life. I
and devouring self help books. I had the courage toam grateful I am able to be a good parent and I relish
look within and face the demons. It wasnt easy andevery moment I spend with both of them as a
many times I wanted to quit. I often felt I was toofamily.Bryan continues to be my rock, strength and
depressed to get well. One step at a time I forgedloving support. During our years together I have had
ahead and never looked back! I visualized a healthymany tragedies including: my brother Johns suicide in
prognosis. Today I am living that beautiful picture!I am1988, my ex- husband Joeys death from alcoholism in
happily married to a man 19 years my junior. What1989, and my girlfriend Debras suicide in 2002. I was
makes our relationship extraordinary is that myhospitalized with a potentially life threatening blood clot
husband was born in 1960 the year after I graduatedin my lungs in 1998. Bryan stood by me through all of
from high school. I am older than his mother. Wethese. I married a great guy! I am a fortunate woman
recently celebrated our 17th anniversary and continueto have found true love in the heart of a younger
to share the most fabulous life. The secret of ourman.Each day I thank God for the gifts I have been
success is our deeply committed love for one another.given. I see my world as peaceful and balanced. My
We enjoy a passionate romance. I wish what Bryanmission is to inspire people to their own healing and
and I have could be sprinkled over the world like angelrecovery. It is truly possible to find serenity, joy and
dust.We met in 1985 during a rainy winter in Sanlove. If I can do it, so can you.
Francisco. We were neighbors on a tiny street near