| hing is self-evident," said Rene Descartes, | | | | lot, for instance, may read things into what they're |
| mathematician and philosopher. Everything is | | | | hearing, finding rejection in places where it doesn't exist. |
| self-evident if you have high emotional intelligence and | | | | Because of their emotional state, they may jump to |
| are good at reality-testing. If you're clouded with | | | | conclusions that aren't warranted, or over-react. For |
| emotions, stuck in the past, inflexible, inauthentic, or inept | | | | instance, if their partner tells them "I don't like it when |
| at verbal and nonverbal communication, alas, | | | | you talk that way to my mother (which is a behavior |
| everything is not self-evident. | | | | which can be changed)," they may hear, "I don't love |
| When you develop your emotional intelligence, and the | | | | you" (which is a condemnation of you as a person). |
| ability to understand and manage your emotions and | | | | This sort of distortion is why it's good to repeat back |
| those of others, you see things clearly. You can avoid | | | | what you think you've heard in heated discussions |
| the following pitfalls to accurate perception and smart | | | | where the outcome is important. If you say, "Let me |
| choices: | | | | make sure I understood what you said. You said |
| 1. How you WISH things were. | | | | you're angry because I..." this gives the other person |
| 2. How you think things SHOULD be. | | | | the opportunity to clarify what they said or meant, and |
| 3. Believing that how things have always been in the | | | | to correct your misperceptions. This is vital to good |
| past is the way they are now, and ever will be. | | | | communication. |
| 4. Assumptions about situations in-the-moment which | | | | It's common with couples for each person to correct |
| seem at the surface level to be similar to experiences | | | | the other saying, "But that's not what you meant" or |
| and people in the past. Assumptions always need to | | | | "That's not what you said." There's never a place for |
| be checked out. | | | | this. By checking it out with the person you give them |
| 5. Your persona or inauthentic, unintegrated self, which | | | | a chance to self-correct, to correct you, and to |
| shifts according to mood, emotion, person and situation | | | | establish clear communication about important things. |
| leaving you without compass or anchor. | | | | SELF-SABOTAGE |
| 6. Your ability to delude yourself because of lack of | | | | If you aren't clear about what brain is working you can |
| self-knowledge. | | | | do yourself in. One reason coaching is helpful is |
| 7. Self-sabotaging because of lack of self-knowledge, | | | | because it can help you clarify what you're really after, |
| self-management and low EQ. | | | | and what fears and obstacles you're throwing in your |
| 8. Fear, anger, jealousy and other strong emotions | | | | own path. If you want something but never seem to |
| which distort thinking. | | | | be able to attain it, it could be that you fear success, or |
| 9. Hearing what you WANT to hear or NEED to hear | | | | fear failure, or aren't clear about what you want. An |
| instead of what's actually being said. Failing to take into | | | | example would be wanting to marry someone |
| account the other person's nonverbal behavior. | | | | because you love them (limbic) but talking yourself out |
| 10. Distortion from relying on other people's perceptions | | | | of it (neocortex) because your best friend doesn't like |
| of reality and/or "catching" their emotions. | | | | him. Your best friend may or may not be perceiving |
| IN SUM: We are our emotions. They influence our | | | | correctly, and is certainly entitled to their opinion, but |
| perception of reality. The more you understand | | | | they aren't the person who will be marrying this man, |
| yourself and your own emotions, the better you can | | | | you are. Therefore you need to get centered in your |
| understand their effect upon your perceptions of | | | | own feelings and perceptions. |
| reality and manage them so you can make smart | | | | DISTORTION FROM "CATCHING" EMOTIONS |
| choices. | | | | Emotions are contagious. We vary in our ability to |
| Emotional Intelligence means understanding which of | | | | protect ourselves from "catching" them, and in our |
| your three brains is operating (reptilian, limbic or | | | | ability to stay centered in our own emotions. |
| neocortex), and which brain[s] you need to be in. | | | | An example of this happened to me the other day. I |
| Emotions guide us and give us information, but | | | | told a friend I was planning to drive from San Antonio |
| sometimes we need to get to the neocortex to make | | | | to Houston to pick up my sister at the Houston airport |
| the decision. For instance, you may be angry and feel | | | | for us to continue on to a vacation in Alabama. Her |
| like hitting someone, but your "thinking brain" will tell you | | | | flight would arrive at Houston International and we both |
| this isn't a wise course of action. By the same token, | | | | had cell phones. I planned to pick her up out front. It |
| you may love someone (limbic) while your neocortex | | | | seemed simple enough to me, but the person I related |
| keeps giving you reasons not to. | | | | this to said it was "very difficult" and not to try it. |
| The most important decisions generally need to be | | | | I checked it out with a third person who travels through |
| made with both the heart and the mind. Here are | | | | the Houston airport all the time to find out what on |
| some examples. | | | | earth the first friend was getting at. The third person |
| DELUDING YOURSELF | | | | said "Just be sure and bring at least $4 worth of |
| If you strongly desire to like the person you're dealing | | | | quarters for the tollway, and aside from that, there |
| with, or if you have a need to like them, you may miss | | | | should be no problem." |
| what's actually going on. This is what's happened when | | | | It turned out I had no trouble whatsoever. If I had |
| you hear someone repeat an anecdote, saying, "He did | | | | listened to the first person's perception of reality, I |
| [something mean] BUT HE'S REALLY A NICE | | | | wouldn't have done something that was actual quite |
| PERSON." It's clear to you the person mentioned is | | | | easy to do. I'm sure you can think of many examples |
| NOT "a nice person," because nice people don't do | | | | in your own life. |
| things like that. | | | | This is another situation coaching is good for. Friends |
| Another good example is one I read on a Russian | | | | tend to bring their own fears into advice-giving, and |
| bride website. It was giving advice to the male suitors | | | | think about what they would do and how they would |
| re: such important factors as wanting or not wanting to | | | | feel instead of being able to see if from your point of |
| have children. They cautioned that because the need | | | | view. Whatever your goal, whatever you have in mind, |
| of the Russian woman to come to the US might be so | | | | there is someone out there who would be afraid of it. |
| strong, she would delude the man, because she had | | | | A coach can be objective. |
| truly deluded herself. She would say what the man | | | | Whether you want to be an entrepreneur, or marry |
| wanted to hear even if she didn't mean it. | | | | someone from another culture, move to a Caribbean |
| How do you guard yourself against such | | | | Island, or write a novel, or bungee jump, there is |
| disillusionment? High EQ, time, reflection, feedback, | | | | someone to whom this is a frightening thing who will do |
| intuition, and understanding people and their emotions. | | | | their best to discourage you because of their own |
| HEARING WHAT YOU NEED OR WANT TO HEAR | | | | feelings about it. |
| This can happen when the outcome is very important | | | | Developing your Emotional Intelligence has many |
| to you. If it's with a loved one, you may fear rejection | | | | benefits. Give it a try! Most people get immediate |
| or loss and therefore your emotions interfere with | | | | results and realize immediate improvements in their |
| what you're hearing. Someone who's been rejected a | | | | lives. |